The Tides Of Change

I sit here as another day passes wondering and reckoning. The chemtrails are being spewed fouling the Decmeber skies. The sun angle as far to the south of west as it's gonna go, it's rays casting long shadows. Soon the season will change to winter and the slow journey north of the equator the sun will make.
Change doesn't come without it's evovolving face and often growing pains. I sit here and wonder what tommorrow may bring, what next week will be like or what the next year may entail.
I am in charge of My future and My destiny. God has given me a great gift of "Choice". I can do anything I choose to do, Anything. I do have to remember the consequences that follow such choices I act upon.

Just as the season is changing from Autumn into Winter. I too find change occuring in my life. One would view the onset of the winter season as the darkest and dreariet time ahead. The days are short and nights long. Most folk are locked in the grip of Cold, Snow, Ice and stormy weather and the earth seems dormant. Yet during winter the days will be growing longer even though the wrath of winter will be full force. Change doesn't come without a price.
Just like a remodel of a room or renovation of a building one must tear down the old before putting up the new.

I'm wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm just barely half way through. At least I don't have to go through growing up again and the growth I do gain will be that of wisdom from this point forward.

My world right now surreal as I drift from one day to the next just ecompassing time and space or so it feels. Then I have to tell myself things are changing and they don't come without a price.
Being 40 something and contemplating a career change has to be one of life's biggest stressors. I currently manage and have managed a business for many years, being free and independent and enjoying life. That business soon managed and now controls me because I let it. I'm tired and weary and can honestly say I been there and done that with this phase of life. I have intellect that could carry me to my wildest dreams only to apply myself would require a great deal of change. Change that most of us as humans and I are scared of.

I'm no longer happy doing what I do because I know I can do better. I get looked down upon by many as just a common servant, a low one on the totem pole. Yet I give it my best and with all my heart.

My first passion is meteorology. What I wouldn't do to be a meteorologist. Not the television kind all dressed sappy in suit and tie with pearly white smile reading from a telepromter. No it would have to be the behind the scene type. The one that does the actual work of putting together a forecast.
I had that in my hands once for 6 years. It wasn't a daily grind of a job to me. It was more like going to play, going to do my hobby. Uncle Sam paid me to do my hobby and took good care of me during my years in the military. Once again my priorities not being where they should have been got me in trouble. A bizarre twist of fate had me in the wrong place at the wrong time one bitter cold night on the streets of Uijognbu, South Korea and life dramatically changed for me but being strong I survived and pushed forward almost as though nothing has never happened. It would be years later at a military Base in Southwest Texas some unscrupulous people came into my life. They took the fun out of what I was doing and the effects of Korea from several years prior were now emerging and exacting a heavy toll on my life and career.

Had I listened to those few who were very close to me during my early adult years. I had golden opportunity to attend one of the best University's in the Nation and the means and backing to do it. I had "other" priorities at the time that I hadn't realized then I would have a lifetime to pursue. Partying 24/7/365 was my main focus at the tender age of 21, that was all that mattered in life such a shame.
That window and opportunity closed for good.

I've had a good taste of doing meteorology as a career and for the most part thoroughly enjoyed it with the exception of a couple individuals in Texas. Perhaps I should have taken the pills to calm my nerves. I would have been outta there in a couple years. Yet again I had "Other" priorities at the time that only seemed to have mattered. Yet again maybe Creator was watching and of course knew of the upcoming years of relentless wars. Creator knowing I'm against war and it's attrocities and knowing I wouldn't do well in that situation.

The goal of a meteorologist is not by any means unobtainable right now but it's a far fetched one. One that would require a great deal of effort, fortitude, sacrifice not to say financial means which I don't have.

My second passion is for writing. I never have been able to keep either my body nor my mind still long enough to focus my thoughts and intents through my fingers and into words. Being one that has BiPolar disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder along with a laundry list of Panic and Anxiety Disorder it makes it quite hard to establish focus and then maintain that focus.

So do I give up mowing grass, trimming hedges, blowing leaves out of pea gravel yards?. Do I go and get a 8-5 type job, get paid less money and do the same thing??. That would be ludicrous!! right?
Do I take the chance and start writing. Writing my thoughts, my feelings, fantasies and the way I see life. Do I have what it takes to be a writer? and then can I make a living off of that?
Ahh the unknowns that one has to dive into when making change.

I can only hope I'm not alone in all this with my feelings, thoughts and decisions. I hope a power whomever that may be right now, whether it be God, Creator, Master, Great Spirit, Father has not thrown up his hands and given up on me. It sure feels that way. I hope he's still there guiding me, still there protecting me and still leading me by the hand.
I at several times have taken the plunge by changing my life. Each time jumping off the pier of knowns into a sea of unknowns. I managed to swim and keep afloat. Each time the unknowns became blessings and the change became permanent and comfortable.

I can only hope now that Creator/God as I know and understand Him is leading the way right now and opening the doors. As though a ship caught in a fog and being led by the foghorn I too am being led by Creator.

My life right now is changing and the demolition and passing of the old must take place before the new can encompass. I don't go about this change without trepadition but one I must go if I am to survive and I know once again I will be carried through. Carried through because I don't see my footprints in the sand right now.

Cowboy Key Largo, Fl Tuesday 12/13/05