Birth of New Name and Rebirth of Self

A Rednecks Journal
Just a simple southern, Good Ole Boy, Redneck expressing myself in my writings.
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Life sure has been changing for me these past weeks. I've been wanting to come over here to my blog site and start posting in my Redneck journal. I've lived such a rich and full life and only 43 years old. I originally started writing on this as coming outta the Martix of a created reality. That was last December. I have come outta the Matrix of disillusionment and Created reality.

Then I went through a melancoly period where I expressed thoughts/feelings in poetry... deleted that after awhile as I was goin through a rather hard time. Dealt with serious depression summer of 2006 and hated my body so I lost 70 lbs... I was almost anorexic. I was dealing with some issues and they were coming to a head after a life time.

Now here I am. I've been told I should write a book about my life and the many facets thereof and my adventures which have been many lemme tell ya'll.

Lemme tell ya'll bout myself. My name is JD which stands for Jason David. I'm legally changing my real name to JD. I'm leaving out my "given" name as it conjures up intense/extreme rage and anger within. It's a part of me, my past I want to bury of a very painful part in my young life. It never has fit me and is not me. I chose JD as it stands for Jason David. Why??. Well all the men named Jason I've met in my life have been extremely good looking, outgoing and confident. All the Davids I met have been good looking but they have intelligence, reasoning and logic and are true and genuine just as the Jasons. That is me...that is what you would see in the package deal to meet me in person. A combination of the Jasons and the Davids I done met in my life.

This is who and what I am. I'm not a bad looking dude for 43 years of age if I do say so myself. I'm a very macho, southern hick, Redneck and I like what I see when I look in the mirror. Might not care none to much for my expanding belly as I grow older but a wonderful rich southern diet and my fondness sweets, the drink that being my beer and rum are now starting to add up poundwise as my years add up but overall I'm happy. I come across by appearence as just a plain ole, hick, good ole boy with the intellgence of an earthworm. Get to talkin to me and you will see I was once a Meteorologist and educated myself through reading, lots of reading of anything that interested me. I always wanted to learn new things and still do. I can hold an intelligent conversation with the best of em. Yet I can hold and understand folk from the backwoods of the south through a cobweb conglomerate of thick southern drawl and lingo to ones that never done had proper schooling and can't read or write proper.

I been tossing the idea around for many many years of legally changing my name...most of my life actually. Even as a wee youngin I had nicknames I went by.... Then it was Bubba..that name stuck for a long time. Only my parents and some not so good relatives called me by my given name.

I chose Jason at one time and David another time and never told anyone. Now I done put the two together. As typical with us southern Redneck folk we either go by first and middle name...or intials. So JD it is. Some of ya'll that know me as Cowboy. Where did Cowboy come from?. Well while in the military I was stationed in West Texas for 2 years. I adopted the Cowboy look as part of my personna while I lived there. In 1998 after living in Key Largo for a spell I had to return to North Carolina at the time intentions where for permanent but it lasted for 8 months. I created a new screen name with my local ISP..Cowboy3536.... the numbers corresponding that I was 35 going on 36 years of age.

Having AOL... I created a new screen name as well... Cowboy3536. I was still wearing my Cowboy hat, boots and Wrangler jeans from my Texas days. Today I'm still wearing my Wrangler jeans, boots as today only with a Hunting cammo design cap tha many of us rednecks have adopted as a silent communication lingo or so it seems.

Folk in Key Largo started calling me "Cowboy" because I stood out. That nickname got transferred over to screen names. Eventually I became very active in Yahoo groups using the Cowboy screenname as my Email addy...still do in some. Folk there started calling me Cowboy... the name stuck. I been rather comfortable with that for many years. Legally that wouldn't sound or look good.

Back in the early 1980's I was a skinny young thing and coming to terms with my sexuality as a gay male. The rural deep south was NOT the place to come outta the closet. Mamma and Daddy done split up in January of 1974. Mamma done run north off to Michigan with a man to the very "liberal" town of Ann Arbor.

My Daddy passed away on September 26th, 1982 of major carido infarction at the young age of 56. This was his 3rd heart attack over the years and the one that dealt the final blow. Ya'll will get to know daddy in future writings. He was the best daddy one could have and under the circumstances he did very well rearing me up. My oldest brother long moved out in 1970 and married and has a huge clan of 6 of his own and now has many many grandchildren. My other brother 5 years older than myself...him and I never saw eye to eye. He never liked me and to this day I still don't think he does but he was 15 when my folk split and wasn't affected as deeply nor scared like I was. Daddy did his best to compensate and he did it well.

Anyway I struggled with my sexuality all through high school. Knew deep inside who/what I truly was. I was attracted to dudes in every way, shape form it just happened that way. Never was a choice or decision. I had to make the choice to be TRUE to my damn self. Not the other way around. We don't choose to be gay or straight for that matter. Trust me knowing the scorn and ridicule we face in society and even from our families do you think we would choose this life if there was decsions and choice involved?. That is why so many of us torture ourselves by living in the closet in the Puritanical mindset of the Modern 21st century. I tried to fit myself into societies norms by dating girls in High shcool. Never had any feelings towards a girl. We'd kiss, make out and I'd be envisioning this dude I had a major crush on or some hot dude I saw in class. Never even the slightest sexual arousal ever when dating girls and trying to make out. It was so un natural and disgusting to me and I never did fit into society's norms. I'm a true Rebel and now one with a cause.

After Daddy's passing I had to go where I could be the person I truly was inside. In the rural south as the same with any small town across America. Everybody knows Everyone, ya'lls business is everyone else's business. You can't shit without Betty Jo down the road seein your bathroom light come on at 3 a.m. I certainly couldn't come out here. I already for many years was teased, ridiculed and even mentally tortured by other kids because I was different. I always have danced to my own tuen and marched to the beat of my own drum.

I was just a little hick kid from the sticks. To come out in rural western, N.C. I'd be lambasted. Even though Asheville...the Big City as we done called it was quite liberal it still had that mindset. I had to get away and start fresh. My mentor of my life that being my daddy was gone. My world, the one person that truly understood, accepted my eccentric, Rebel ways and loved me was gone. My world was shattered and I was now dealing with myself, my sexuality. I had a sexual liason with a store employee at the Kmart I worked at in Hendersonville, NC and the word got out. I wasn't ready to face myself now folk were finding out that wasn't my first encounter. Suddenly it came outta the woodwork. I was always discreet in my encounters..we had to be or face ridicule, slander and isolation not to say risk being run outta town. I became the talk of the town and what a scandal it was.

So I moved away to a very liberal, open minded moderate sized city/college town. Live there for 7 years. This was my first time being exposed to different cultures, ecclectic lifestyles and a whole new way of life. Outgoing the person I am I befriend very quickly. I had moved to Ann Arbor Michigan. The folk where fascinated with my thick southern Alabama and North Carolina drawl and lingo. Here I was exposed to different accents, lingo and names for things. This was all new to me and I was in a very invigorating culture shock.

I had a wonderful synergy with people and was now living my life as a very open gay male and celebrating my sexuality and that I did. I sowed my wild oats like oats have never been done sown before. I think I done partied all of my 20's away. If I saw dude I liked I usually got what I wanted. I grew exponentially. Learned and accepted new lifestyles, nationalities, spiritual belief systems outside the background in which I was raised and come from. I was now part of the Ecclectic mix that Ann Arbor, Michigan is so renown for. Daddy having worked for the Gov't for all his adult life, he had a college fund set up for me. I could have went to the University of my choice and being Ann Arbor that was the Universtiy of Michigan. I could have went ALL on the expense of Uncle Sam. Partying and sowing my wild oats was more important then. The U of M has one of the best meteorology training there is.

Still deep inside I hated myself...something I just hated...it was that name?...yes. It was also the fact here I was proclaming my sexuality to the world and expected all to accept me. There was a facet of me that couldn't accept my damn self based on my upbringing. I fought that demon all my adult life until Thanksgiving of 2006. Even though I was very confident and secure in my sexuality there was still a part deep within that didn't accept that.

Well just prior to Thanksgiving I changed all my profiles on all my screen names, websites and any place I had a profile. Most had my name as Cowboy, Bubba, SouthernRebel. One site would show my "Legal" given name...that being Yahoo. I went in and changed it.

You see I went to therapy for the name change a coons age ago and was told it's a big step. One way to see if I was comfortable was to use the Internet, private writings and the like and see how that name rang, how if felt. I never did do it until just days prior to Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving this year was very special to me. The past I ran away from.... that being the southern, hick, hillbilly, Redneck I re embraced when I met my partner in 2000. It however was always part of me. My partner is a good ole boy, Redneck such as myself and over the course of my adult life these were the type of dudes I was naturally attracted to. I lived a rich southern heritage and one that I'm proud of. I grew up poor to low end of the middle class on the monetary scale but wealthy in warm memories, funny stories, comfort foods and traditions. So much so I had both my arms tatoo'd with the Confederate (Rebel) flag. My love and passion for the south, my heritage and my true person as well as being one that bucks the system.... A Rebel and I have a Cause now.

So back to Thanksgiving I was surrounded by my parnters family of all southern, rednecks and very laid back folk. Yeah know the type you can fart around the dinner table your fart gets rated and not the EEWWW...that's gross. I logged onto Yahoo Thankgiving night and signed into my Yahoo Groups. There for the first time I saw.. Welcome JD

Deep inside something instantly released that I can only describe as the demon I been fighting all my life was gone now. Instant comfort over took me. For the first time in my life there was no hatred of myself within, no self loathing. I was now that Good looking, Macho, strong, confident and intelligent man and admitted it. That one facet of my personality that loathed my sexuality was gone. The physical image I portray I finally feel deep within for the first time. I truly have been celebrating life. I have united the proud Redneck I am, synergized my rich southern heritage. I have indeed led a very wonderful life. I love to tell stories...all true of my past... I love to make people laugh, yet I like to touch their souls.

I always thought Creator cheated me in not giving me any talent as far as manly things. I can't build anything worth a shit, done tried and tried and tried. Usually a disaster or fiasco or combination thereof. Tried getting into car engines and such.... No go there either. Even craft type projects.... all thumbs and I usually make a mess!!!! I have discovered I reach out to folk through my writing. I have made people laugh, cry. I have written fantasy stories so descript that my partner fell upon one of my writings I absent mindedly left on the computer. It was a writing of a torrid affair I was having with a dude named JD.... I was writing about myself!!!!. I had stepped outta myself, my skin and done wrote about meeting myself. Sounds odd don't it?. However I see how it plays a role now. I was in a part called "Integration" Well my partner went to use the computer one morning after I stayed up editing and just reading my own story one night. There was alot of me I truly loved and was in love with but how could I cross that bridge to the point I felt and believed I was something. That fantasy story was the only way at the time. It was my own persoality but one I didn't feel. I still felt like that abused little, worthless piece of shit kid...thanks to some asshole relatives and asshole youngins I went to school with.

My partner came in SCREAMING at the top his lungs asking who the fuck is JD!!!!.

OOOPPS!!!!!. I quickly climbed outta my peaceful and resting slumber. Inside I knew I done nothing wrong. I never cheated on him but how was I going to explain this. I told him.... JD is ME!!!! it's my alter ego the person I truly am. I stepped outta myself and wrote about meeting me. I used real places, dates and events. Well that took all day to explain and get him to a point of somewhat accepting, believing and comfortable. Then he realized that yes over the years I've been seriously contemplating changing my name... the names I had chosen were either Jason or David... I melded the two finally. I realized that morning. My Partners world was literally temporarialy shattered at the thoughts of me having a torrid affair and going into graphic detail of the intmacy shared. As I been done told for so many many years that when I write I put folk there. They feel like they are where and what I write about. I never done believed though.

That morning I did... I realized I had a very powerful and Creator given talent and one that is my 2nd passion in life that being writing. Now I've finally have melded the facets of me just came together as one person. The Good looking, macho, don't take shit and tell it like is redneck and the Intelligent, loving, sensitive, caring facet synergized. I always kept em seperate somehow. I didn't think I could be Intelligent yet be a Redneck. Yet a Redneck being intelligent and gay.. the two were seperate inside me. I hid behind the fasod of a scant few yahoo forums as to not revealing my sexuality.

I NO longer felt the need to hide any part or all of me anymore. No longer had to remain mysterious. I came out on my Yahoo Chemtrail discussion forum Thanksgiving night to some wonderful, caring loving folk I've known for years now.

Thanksgiving something so magical about that entire day... It all just snapped into place. It was seeing that name but I was feeling it that day.... did I actually feel true happiness of self within?...I think so.

No longer did I feel the seperation inside me. JD was actually born....I was reborn 11/23/2006. That painful part of my past I was finally able to LET GO, that demon fought.

So to ya'll that have known me for many years and are questioning the name change...this is the reason. Never felt a peace, security and serenity within myself all at once.

I'll close fer now ya'll. I hope to share with ya'll many funny stories of growing up in the rural south. Some will make ya cry and some will have your gutt hurting with laughter and maybe a few folk with wet pants. If you done piss yerself laughing reading my writings, rantings and musings... don't get mad at me...LOL.

Brief history of where JD is from. I was born and raised in a small rural town of Talladega, Alabama until about the age of of 10 when mamma and daddy split up. There we moved to Hendersonville, NC...actually just outside it. I lived there until I was 19 when Daddy passed and I had to get away.

A stint in the military for almost 7 years and then to Key Largo, Fl where I presntly reside for the past 10 years... 10 years this month in fact.

Hope ya'll enjoyed my introduction. No longer the mysterious person behind the veil, hiding myself in the forums. When you get to know me you get the whole package now and not just pieces thereof. You can love me and we can celebrate life or you can hate me for who and what I am and to be honest if that is the case... I really don't give a FUCK!!!...honestly. That changed too on Thanksgiving night. I can't please everyone all the time, that was another demon I fought. I would say I didn't give a fuck what people thought or said about me but I did. Now if you don't like me, you can't accept me because I'm gay, because I'm a southern, redneck that proudly flies and displays the Confederate flag know it's TRUE reason. If that's the case... your one shallow person and it's your problem, your isse... Not Mine. If that's the case you don't belong in my life nor reading my blog

Yes.... I'm a Proud Gay, Southern Redneck and truly have fallen in love with myself and the skin I'm in. I now see why Creator has put me here and I will do my best with the help of my guides, my daddy watchin over me and Creator to fullfill what I been placed here to do. That is to help the planent any way I can and to give a gift to humanity by my writing.

Good Night from Paradise in the Florida Keys....

JD