Changing Name or Name Change

Ya know isn't it strange in this life of choices and sometimes I personally think life if full of too many of them. Perhaps I wish I was wealthy enough to have somebody make em fer me. However wealthy monetarily I'm not but life and heart wise I am. Don't we choose each day what we are going to wear, eat, drink?. We choose what vehicles we are going to drive, what dwellings to live in. Don't we make the choice whether or not to go to work, to get outta bed. We make major life choices such as where we want to live, what jobs we want to work at and even what person we share our life with. We even have the power of choice what we want with our own bodies. All these choices are subject to change and are up to the discretion of the individual. As to whether or not the choices are wise?, well we all make our own beds and then have to sleep in them.

I recently watched this t.v. documentary. He was a man but inside he knew he truly was a woman and born a woman on the inside. He had all the physical attributes of being a male yet inside he knew he was female. Being a gay male all my life I could never grasp this concept until it hit me that night. Inside that man saw who he really was. He really was a woman but born in a man's body. A fluke of nature?, a cross in one of the brains connections?. Not being in that position I cannot honestly answer that. However I deeply understood watching several men realize what they truly are inside. Some were married with children and led the most macho of lifestyles but lived a life of frustration. Deep inside they kept it hidden and even they in self denial until they came to terms with it. They then made the decision to be what they truly are inside regardless of the price, the consequences, the pain. The folk considered Transgendered and even myself in the gay community could not understand them. I thought they were just men that wanted to dress in woman's clothes or Drag Queens as it's called.

They may have started just by dressing in drag but that opened the door to what and who they truly are inside.

I've watched these men believe so strongly in there hearts and souls of what they truly are inside that they removed all physical attributes of being a male to having sex change operation and I've seen woman go through the same process.

I didn't understand any of this as to what is going on inside them until faced with my own situation. No I'm not a woman trapped in a mans body. I'm just a happy homosexual male.

So in this life full of choices being homosexual certainly wasn't one of them and if it was I'd still choose who I am right now.

One thing that pisses me off though and this is the main subject matter of today's blog is the one choice I never did get to make. That choice was my given, legal name. Naturally I was born and a name was already chosen for me by my parents. Since the youngest of my youngin days I hated my given name that being Kevin.... God damn!!! it angers me to just type out those 5 letters just in this blog. I've hated that name since I could remember. My middle name???... won't EVEN fucking go there!!. What was Daddy thinking at the time?

Was it that booming voice of my daddy when I did something wrong when my name would get called out. The wailing voice of my mama when I did something wrong or was being summoned for whatever it was. Then came school, my playmates. This was my given name and one that I had to be called by and I hated hearing it every fucking time. At the youngest of age hearing that name angered the fuck outta me but I haven't a clue as to why.

I remember when I was a youngin sometime back in the early 1970's. There was a televison show called Emergency. I admired one of the firemen on the show... Fireman Roy Desoto was his character name. Naturally when I was a youngin I wanted to be every macho, blue collar career there was. Fireman was a biggie fer me. I even had all the firemans gear a youngin could have. One day I wrote on a piece of paper... "Fireman Roy Desoto" hey...he was my hero, my Icon of the day. Even then at such a young age I thought he was cute. Using a safety pin I put my homemade name tag on my tshirt and thought I was the coolest dude. In fact I went down to the fire station just to hang with the firemen mainly so they could see my new name tag but being a volunteer station no firemen were around yet, not even to sit at the bar like they always did as it was early Sunday morning. Instead I stopped at a friends house across the street from the fire station.

I went to the back door and their sat Mrs Mowry at her kitchen table. OH MY GOD!!! I still can see that hideous iridescent blue eye shadow, the attack of the eye liner pencil, mascara..she looked like cat woman!!!! but that was the style of women back in the day. Mrs Mowry sat at her kitchen table talking with a friend. She was smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes. I commenced to knock on the door to look for my friend Scotty. She looked at me and saw my name tag on my shirt. "That's Not Your Name!" she barked giving me a funny look. She inquired as to why I didn't use my real name and I rightly recall stating I didn't like my real name...I liked the one I put on my name tag better. Naturally I was made fun...shit I'm used to that but it hurt then and still hurts now but oh well fuck em all.

I remember my world was shattered that Sunday morning. Now I felt funny/strange wearing my tv hero's name and not using it as my own nor wanting to.

This facet would not change the rest of my life. All through life I came up with nicknames to have people call me as I hated my given name. I'd rather someone yell at me and just say.... HEY!!!! as compared to calling my given name.

Daddy called me all sorts of nicknames. He was a good man, a Saint in my eyes as I look back. However I knew I was in trouble or something serious was up when I heard my full given name come from him.

I suffered with this fer years and just dealt with it. Everytime I had to write, sign or give my name aloud a wave of anger would overtake me and still does to this day. When I hear my given name blurted out...anger instantly fills me and sometimes to the point of rage.

During my military years we usually referred to one by there last name or a nick name. In fact many units I belonged to went by nicknames in non formal settings. I didn't have a nickname so going by being called my last name was in it's own...Okay.... but better than going by the first name.

Over the years I've contemplated various names I wanted to go by. Remember this has been a lifelong battle. On the outside I was one name but inside I felt there was a different name that belonged to my earthly existence just the same analogy I opened up today's blog with in regards to the transgendered male or female.

Many years I settled on David and I was contemplating as that being my new legal name. I was happy with that but something seemed to still be missing. I didn't think anyone took me serious despite my talking bout it so again I pushed it deep inside. I was in therapy at the time and spoke to my therapist bout it. He was a cool guy, good ole boy that would bring himself to my level that made me very comfortable. I spoke of my name change and he supported it.

He said to go to the courthouse, get the paperwork and that was that. Naturally alot followed changing social security and everything but a step then I was willing to take. As the years went forward since 2003 I've grown to know who, what I am inside. Not liking many attributes about me and myself I realized I had the power of choice and the ability to change. I have choices.

I began reinventing myself and creating something/somebody I did like and it's still a working process as I write this. Now 2007 I'm still at wanting to change my name and I have settled upon what I want it to be. That being JD...which I thought my new full name could be Jason David. Most of the Jason's I've met in life are good looking men and the David's intellectually smart. I look in the mirror and I see a Jason and inside my brain I see a David... Jason David. Being a southern boy I want to go by being called my initials.. JD. At the advice of my therapist some years ago he told me to use my new name in internet chat rooms, bulletin boards, emails and even use that name as much as I could to see how it sounded. To see how it rang within me.

I look back over the course of a couple years now and see that I've been using JD in various applications some of which I stumbled upon the other day dating back to 2004.

On Thanksgiving 2006 I officially started using JD as my new name in the various Internet Discussion groups I belong to. Many just knew me on the discussion forums as "Cowboy" that worked great for years but I'm continuing to grow and Cowboy no longer fits in all applications. Jan 1st I've started using it in private correspondence to those that are in the know of the changeover. Yes I confused many at first but MOST..not all have now switched to calling me JD. NONE use my real name except for one person on Yahoo messenger and that makes my blood boil. It wasn't me that divulged my real name but another person. That can be easily remedied. Anyhow I like using my new name JD. It is me and I feel comfortable. I decided to give myself one year before making it legally official that being Thanksgiving 2007. Naturally I had some explaining to do on my discussion forums and was met with widespread approval.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago I received a phone call from an Internet friend that bypassed the JD and called me Jason David... Okay.... this felt like back to my childhood and I was in trouble again. So now some refined thinking to perhaps just JD.

Eventually I will make my name change legal and won't have to hear that name given to me by my parents nearly 44 years ago. A name that brings internal pain and anger that not even therapy will cure...been there, done that.

Fears now is how Mama will take this... no doubt she will be hurt. How do you hurt somebody you love so dearly for the sake of your own happiness? yet to keep it a secret wouldn't be right. It is at this point I look at those transgendered men, women. How does a parent feel that the boy they raised for 20,30,40 years is now a woman. Has female features, female name. How did those parents accept?.... through Love... period. It wasn't easy on both parties involved but they got through it and something I've decided that I will have to face when I legally change my name. The same way I hope my Mama accepts me changing the name her and Daddy picked out nearly 44 years ago.

So in legal aspects do I go for Jason David...that's what will have to appear on all legal documents, drivers license, checks, credit cards, bank statements, etc....or do I want to just see JD??.

This is why I'm giving myself until Thanksgiving of this year before I make the final decision.

This gives me more time to think how I want the legalities of this to look on paper and how I in an official sense..want to be called.... I still prefer just JD. If I'm in a doctors office, a bank, a courtroom.... I want to hear JD. I'll know what it stands for and if folk ask I can tell them. Think I'm answering my own question here as I blog this.

As I continue to reinvent self, the new name fits me perfectly as to who and what I truly am inside. Even recent photos of myself??. For years I didn't see a good looking person. Recently I'm seeing what's inside coming forth in the photos. I'm seeing JD now emerging forth physically and he's one very good looking dude and for the first time photos I actually like of myself.

It was for the longest time that JD only existed deep within my mind, heart and soul. So much so I wrote bout him as sperate entity in a short fantasy stories. I was him on the outside appearence wise and deep deep within but had to connect the two. I wrote bout meeting myself a story about me meeting myself as a stranger. What a fantastic story I wrote. Now the two have integrated just as they did in the story and I like the working progress that is going on. I still got a ways to go but getting there nonetheless.

Many years and most of my life folk always told me to "Just Be Yourself" How could I be?!?! when I myself didn't know who the fuck I was. Now I'm finding myself and reinventing and improving that I don't like. After all...it's my choice and the power lies within to make that choice and to bring forth change.



JD