Heated Patience

Hi ya'll before we get started let me first warn ya. I write just like I talk and tell it like it is, that's just me. If you are offended by strong language/cuss words stop right here.

This is one of my longer writings and it will take some time to read but I think you will find it's well worth it. So pull up a chair, have a sitdown and enjoy....

Okay here ya go ya'll a write up bout my Friday. A true test of patience on a virtue I lack. I woke up Friday morning feeling full of energy. Perhaps the meds are workin since I didn't wake up wracked with pain in my legs and back and not the internal, wicked fatigue. I've taken this med before for that sole purpose of having more energy and keeping me off my addiction to carbs and snacking. I lost 50 lbs last summer taking this stuff. Never felt better, looked better. At 43 I felt 15 years younger. Only problem it can make me switch phase into a full blown manic mode.

The stuff is like speed to me turning me into the engerizer bunny. Feeling good this Friday morning I had already had my Friday night planned out. My usual beers, get a buzz going, talk on phone with good friend and maybe peek in on at an ongoing private online conference that takes place on Friday nights.

I did my usual morning thing of waking up to a caffeinated beverage and readin/replyin to emails, peekin in at my discussion forum, etc. It's how I pysche myself up for the day. My hair needed to be buzzed again. I usually do it once a week on Sunday's. I missed last Sunday and that shaved/buzzed look and delineation of my USMC high and tight was starting to grow in and fade.
I decided to cut my hair Friday morning before work. Something just told me to do it so I did. Buzzed my head, trimmed beard which had grown thick and scraggly by now.
I didn't like the belly I was seeing in the mirror... WOW!!! all that good eatin, cookin and snackin I do not to mention my favorite Friday night thing is to unwind and let down from the week and have some beers

My usual fartin around I do in the mornings I didn't get out the door until 10:30 a.m. I'm just not a mornin person ya'll. Mornins totally suck!!! I was sickened to see a lawn sevice truck pulling out onto the highway at 7:10 this morning with his work crew in back of pick. God damned sick bastard!!!.. LOL...the only part functioning on me was keepin my eyeballs open at that hour. Takes everything I can to feed the dogs and give the right dog the right feed bowl in the mornin.

Granted if I started work early and this is what I been told for Years!!!! I could be done early. I have tried that but I just can't move and get motivated that time in the morning.
Besides, fire up a lawn mower, weed eater or back pack blower in my yard at 7:30 a.m and I'd be makin that blower fit up someones rectal opening!!
Oh yeah..did I say I wasn't a morning person?? I can be quite crotchity. I just hang and chill by myself wakin up. No t.v. on, no radio as I really don't like noise first thing in the morning just kinda agitates me.

So I set out 10:30 a.m. amidst a darkening tropical sky. Weather forecast called for 40% chance of showers/thunderstorms, typical forecast for the summer rainy season. It was just one big dark cloud from overhead and to the west over the Gulf waters. It looked like a few miles south traveling on the Overseas Highway and as usual a hot, blasting sun would be broiling the landscape. A light drizzle started as I got into my truck. Won't be rainin where I have to work today which was 6-7 miles down the road.
I pulled out onto the Oveseas Highway from my subdivision. Skies were black to the west over the water and a beautiful dark curtain of rain could be seen over the water. This is worth a photo I thought. Tried pulling off the highway at a place called the Carribean Club a famous Key Largo landmark and well known in a Humphrey Bogart movie. Dag nab it.. a myriad of boat trailers, weirdly parked vehicles left me no place to park my truck and trailer. I cursed the trailer and cussed bout there being "way too many humans" round here. Not wanting to fill my day with negative thoughts I banished that from my head. I pulled back on the Overseas Highway, southbound traffic was very heavy. Afterall it is Friday and the weekenders I reckon were already coming down from Miami-Ft Lauderdale and the Palm Beaches.

Driving down the road the skies looked very benign with a thin line of dark clouds following the Island chain. The sun was peeking out here and there. A typical Island Cumulus line was forming. Happenes frequently but rarely does anything form outta it lasting for very long.

I had a vision in my head of a lightning bolt coming out of the not so threatening looking clouds then hearing the explosive peel of thunder. It was about 20 seconds later right where I saw that lightning bolt if one didn't strike!!!.. I'll be dipped in shit!!! and it was followed by a very loud explosive rumble.
Then another vision of a bolt hitting right next to me making a god awful noise. 20-30 seconds later as I was pulling up to one of our two traffic lights here on the Island a massive bolt blasted down into the tropical hardwood trees in the shopping center parking lot!!!!. WAAAPANNG!!!!!... WOW!!! that was close.

I suddenly had visions of numerous lightning bolts one after another. I had two more miles to drive before I stopped at the bank to make a deposit.
Suddenly I had a vision of Firefighters dressed in full Turnout gear, it was fleeting but I wondered why it popped into my head like that. Perhaps having a gear fetish myself and I was maybe rehashing a t.v. show I watched two nights prior of a man inventing a product, he's a firefighter and was dressed in full turnout gear. Dunno but my my mind races like that and jumps from thought to thought.

Lightning bolts were coming down all around me. I rolled the truck window down so I could hear the thunder... COOL!!!! I yelled out. Big drops of rain started splattering the windshield. The small line of dark clouds had suddenly grown. A line of thunderstorms was in explosive development overhead and I mean explosive.

Okay JD I said to myself.. are you controlling the weather again?? If so let's aim and hit the real tall radio tower that stands in the middle of the Overseas Highway. I was now sitting in the turnabout waiting to cross over the northbound lane of the highway to pull into the shopping plaza where the bank was at. I had no choice but to look south at the oncoming traffic. Traffic was friggin horrendous!!! for northbound on a Friday. God Damned lobster mini season just ended so I reckon those folk were headin back and others resltess. The Island chain has been crammed to the gills with folk coming down for the two day mini lobster season. Waiting for a break in traffic to make my dash across the highway, huge drops of rain had really picked up tempo now. Radio tower in plain view... and but 1/4 mile down the road.

Suddenly a very large lightning bolt followed by a very explosive sharp crack literally split the sky. The radio tower got hit!!! and it was like a firehose got unleashed as a wall of large raindrops descended down. Wipers going on fast it was hard to see now crossing the highway. Pulling into the parking lot another very loud crack, a bolt hit behind the Ramada Inn. Seconds later another explosive sky shattering crash. WOW!!! this is getting interesting.

I lived in the subdivsion behind this shopping center many years ago. They always get very intense lightning here,dunno why but they do.
I parked the truck. It was raining very hard. I had to park a good ways from the bank because of the truck and trailer, I had to park in the middle of the parking lot behind the laundromat. I was actully afraid to get out and walk across the parking lot there was so much lighting everywhere. Hearing reports of two lightning fatalities in my area just this past week didn't help either. Florida...lightning capital of the world..sure was!!.

I got impatient and decided to make a mad dash after about 10 minutes. The rain wasn't going to let up. The storm cloud had parked itself right ontop of Key Largo uleashing an electrical maelstrom.
I was a steppin and fetchin across that parking lot lemme tell ya. Just as I got in the protective covering to the entryway to the bank.. WAAAPANG!!!! another really close strike and sharp crack.

I really LOVE when it thunders like that.

I stood at the ATM making my deposit and when the receipt came out I wasn't thrilled when I saw what the bank balance was. There should be more money than that in there I thought. I'll print out a statement. Naturally a person was behind me wanting to use the ATM, I get real impatient when people fart around and dilly dally at those things so deposit made I ended the transaction. I'll let this person go and do what they need to do and then go back to the machine and get printout as they take a few minutes.

Several people had gathered in the shelter of the buildings overhang. The rain was coming straight down in a torrential torrent, the parking lot turning into a lake.. Lake Waldorf us locals call it hence the name of the shopping plaze is Waldorf Plaza. It always floods in a downpour and they can never get it fixed.
Waiting for the ATM to come available again I looked around. Above the bank are some offices, legal offices or something. Through the windows I see three firefighters dressed in full Turnout Gear. Say What!! as I shook my head.
My vision a short while ago confirmed now, I'm aming lightning bolts it seems. Okay this is way too awesome. I see my abilities are coming back.
I wondered why firefighters were on the 2nd floor. The bank was full of people, people were standing in the doorway and inside the bank like nothing was going on.
Maybe the guys were training or something I thought. I could see through the bank to the rear door where the fire truck was parked with lights flashing. That wasn't there when I was in my truck several minutes ago.
Firefighters had come down the stairs.. oh good I'll get to get a gander at some guys in full Turnout gear I thought.

I proceeded to the ATM aqquiring the statement I needed. Scanning it over quickly I could see the transactions which my partner told me about the night prior. Okay that's cool just wanted to know where some money went and that was solved now.
I had nothing to do but wait under the overhang for the downpour to let up some so I could make a dash back to the truck.
A large, rotund woman dressed in gray tshirt, black shorts and sandals..typical Fl Keys garb ever so casually walked through the downpour, purse in one hand, her head held downward hair and tshirt getting soaked and paying a no never mind to the loud peels of thunder.

Oh Boy!!! she's a "Keyster" I thought. That's a local yocal word for a very laid back, nonchalant Florida Keys person. By now the firefighters three of them were standing inside the bank. They looked as though they were talkin to one of the bank folk behind the seated desk area, smiling and talking. Coudn't have been anything major as they seemed pretty laid back, the long line of folk inside pay a no never mind to the firegighters. This is the Florida Keys and we stare hurricanes in the face so anything less than that usually doesn't get noticed or raise an eyebrow.

That's how laid back things can be here.

I had nothing better to do than people watch and watch the rain. I must have stood a good 15-20 minutes.
My 3 clients grouped together on one street were but a 1/2 mile from the bank and I knew it was raining there. The other client slated for that day was another mile and a half down the road apiece and pretty sure the storm was that far down also. Keys weather is so weird. It can literally dump rain on one side of the road and not the other. A storm like this and you drive a mile and the sun can be out!!!. I could see the delineation between the storm and clear skies just a few miles away.

The rain slackened off some and I briskly walked to my truck. All these clients will have to be postponed until the rain stops and it dries up some. I snaked my way around and through the subdivision to the clients. The rain was light to moderate and the skies were getting lighter, frequency of the lightnig dropping off and thunder becoming more distant. I sat outside of clients house looking at the 3 properties I had to do through the windshield. No way was I gonna be able to do these properties until it dried up some.
Truck radio playing the local radio station of 80's music and that gargantuan radio tower now a 1/4 mile the other direction got hit again!!!! knocking the station off the air. Moment later a computerized voice did some countdown and a station identifier "This is Star 102.1 FM" in a very spaced, digitized voice and the music once again was playin. Who says lightning doesn't strike twice??.

The downpour had got to commencin once again.

Okay let's drive down to next client and see what conditions are there. Getting onto and off the highway this day was a feat in itself. Traffic was just absoluetely vicious!!. Being it's a divided highway just crossing a north or south bound lane to get goin in the direction you wanna go can be challenging. It's like this during peak winter season.. NEVER summer excpet Memorial, 4th of July and Labor Day weekend.

Patience is short to non existent for me when it comes to driving, other drivers and anything that has to deal with waiting in line. It was taking forever to get onto the highway yesterday, folk were driving totally stupid. My aggravation level was rising.
BEEEEEEP... My fuel light went on. Well it's raining so I got nothin better to do but go to a gas station and get diesel fuel. The gas station sits in the middle of the divided highway. I approached the gas station from the Southbound lane. Sure as shit!!! not only was somebody at the pump but the car was facing the wrong way or so it appeared to me and another car behind it. If I sat there and waited my turn I would block that person from getting out, Assclown!! I thought.
The pump on the otherside was the wrong way for me and I didn't want to try to squeeze trailer between building and pumps and then have to wrassle a long rubber hose up and over the truck bed to the tank.
I'll try the pumps on the northbound side. Jesus H!!!! a car there facin the wrong way and a big pickup with a big ole boat facing the other. Okay I'll sit off to the side and wait. Some old folk were trying to back the car up to the pump. The guy was lurching the car forward, reverse. Nearly hit the dumpster in front of him and nearly backed into the guys fueling a boat behind them. Good Lord!!! this is a disaster waiting to happen!. The old man lurched forward and backed up bout near takin the fuel pump out!!. These folk shouldn't be allowed to drive! I thought. They are a danger to others. His wife was just sitting in the car totally oblivious to the whole thing. I felt kinda bad fer them and realized he was probably tryin to do his best with his car and someday that might be me.
He worked the credit card and gas pump alright so he knew what he was doing.
La da da dee, La da da.... I sat and sat and sat about another 10 minutes. The old man fueled up and finally the boat was done fueling. I was good to go.

Fueled my tank and off I went. I had a client several miles further south that called the day prior. She wanted her weeds sprayed with Roundup and some leaves cleaned up and she wanted it done like yesterday!!. I told her I'd see if I could squeeze her in on Friday. I looked south and it was blue sky and knew the weather would be good down that way. I was rained out on 4 properties so I commenced to calling her on my cell.
As eager as she was to have it done she didn't want me to come. She was afraid it would rain and wash the weed killer off the weeds. I knew it wasn't going to rain down there but you can't tell an 80 year old, headstrong woman that. Well if it rains I'll just come back. She told me to come on Monday, okay fine.

I was heading south on Overseas Highway when I called her. Good thing she told me not to come. I had gone about 1 mile from the gas station after dealing with more traffic in the turnabouts. Suddenly I saw a line of cars, trucks and boats just creepin. Shit!!! backed up humanity!!! I really can't deal with waiting in lines in traffic.
I saw a local convenience store/gas station situated in between north and south boud lanes. I cut through the parking lot and again had to wait to get in the northbound lane. Oh now this totally blows!! an endless parade of cars heading north. It was 12:10 p.m. and the day was pretty much shot. It was still raining lightly. I debated whether or not to call it a day and just go home. Everything would be wet, sodden and hard to do the job not to mention it would be a hell hole steambath once the noon day tropical sun came out. Alot of rain dumped in that period of time.

Okay I thought I can start the 3 clients by 1 p.m. and still get em done and be outta there by 5 p.m. I opted to give the weather until 1 p.m. to make or break. I wound up in the same shopping plaza, parking behind the laundromat exactly where I was but but an hour or so prior. I thought I'll go into the Dollar Store and poke around, head over the Walgreens and poke around there. Don't have squat for money to buy anything but it's something to do nonetheless to pass time.

Gathered a few $1 items at dollar store. I could see the sun starting to get brighter outside. I got in line and guess what???... a lady ahead of me had a shopping cart crammed full of little itty, bitty hair thingies. I reckon she done cleaned out the store. Barretts, pony tail bands, hair combs, clips...you name it. Either she's got OCD or gonna sell em. OH!!! this is going to take fucking forever I thought!!!. I had nothing better to do, It was still raining.

Finally, Oh so finally my turn came. I purchased two cans of mixed nuts, a couple packets of 20 cent seeds and a $1 squirt gun to keep our noisy, biting, slurping, scratching dogs in check. I was hungry so I opened the can of nuts and started to scarf em down as I left the store. I commenced to steppin and fetchin over to Walgreens Pharmacy crossing and avoiding the flooded parking lot best I could in front of the bank as I chomped on cashew nuts. The sun was coming out now. I'll give it a bit more time and let things dry I thought, rain had stopped now.
Purchased a few little things in Walgreens. Rain stopped, sun out and no more on the way and it being 12:59 p.m.I decided to drive over and get busy on the 3 clients.

When I arrived everything was still dripping but the sun shining brightly now and the steam rising off the asphalt roads. I got outta the truck and there wasn't even the slightest hint of any kind of air movement. I knew with this sun it would't be long before it reached past 90 degrees and with nearly 100% humidity???...Oh God!!! this is gonna really bite ass!!!.
I unloaded the tools and equipment I needed from the trailer. I noticed it was hard to breathe the air so sodden with moisture, steamy and getting hot. I already was sweating profusely, I wasn't none too happy.
I trimmed the clients water sodden hedges followed by raking up the clippings and some dead fallen leaves and trimmed som dead palm frond off her trees around her pool. I had been there about 1/2 hour now and noticed the road surfaces were barely drying and clouds of steam rising. My tshirt totally drenched I thought of just going home. It's so dam wet it's gonna be hard to cut grass, blow leaves off two large pea gravel yards.

I went to truck to get a drink, change shirt and towel dry off. I thought Wednesday was bad???... This sucked the big one!!
The sun was blasting down relentlessly and I couldn't even dry myself the air was so moisture sodden. I noticed some more clouds building and the blow off from the thunderstorm clouds would come over and cover the sun. If I could hold out until then. Once that burning orb was behind some clouds it would be more tolerable.

The sun went in indeed and I was thankful for that however it being so awfully oppressive it did nothing to make it feel cooler or me sweat less. I mowed the yard and not only was my shirt totally soaked again but my shorts were literally dripping also. The sun I so cursed also dries out my thsirts that I have to frequently change. I brought 3 changes with me and usually just recycle them through the day. Change #2 and I tried to blot my shorts dry with big bath towels I carry with me. I was just plain miserable!!. If only a breeze would blow it would make all the difference. HUH!!! no such luck!!.

Okay the mowing yard is done and now onto the blowing yards. I just strap a blower to my back and slowly walk back and forth blowing the leaves to back of the properties and into the woods. That shouldn't be too bad I thought. Wrong!!!.

I was sweating like a whore in church!!, it was hard to breath the dank, oppressive tropical air even though it was heavily overcast by this time. I started to grow impatient with the blowing. The wet leaves were hard to blow and I was getting aggravated but right good. My legs and ass were getting severely chaffed as my shorts were dripping to the point my workboots were soaked inside and I could feel water sloshing in my shoes...this just from sweat!!!. This totally fucking sucks!!
Now I'm walking funny because my ass cheeks and thighs are stinging and smarting like a sonofabitch. Not a pretty picture I'm sure that I'm painting for ya'll but I tell it like it is.

I was finally done with the blowing and had to spray the weeds yet and then groom the front yards with a pea rock rake. Every step I took was painful now but I got the spraying done. Then I started to groom the pea gravel with a pea rock rake. My hands so wet I could hardly hold onto the aluminum handle to pull and push the gravel.

I was done!!! Glory be to God!!! I was done!!! Only took me 5½ hours that should have been 3½ hours.
I locked up trailer, put on a dry shirt for the drive home. I decided to stop and get a 6 pack of some fancy/micro brewed beer and have that along with my Bud Lights. I love the taste of beer so I like to buy and try different kinds. I bought a Black and Tan, I wanted an Irish Stout and thought I'll do that one next week.

I again had to wait forever to get on the highway but I was homeward bound excpet for the little side trip I had to make at a liquor store near our house. I could have purchased the beer in the grocery store but I didn't want to deal with people, lines nor walk around an air conditioned store with totally sweat sodden shorts. However I so welcomed any kind of coolness at this point. I knew we needed some groceries but I could go shopping on Saturday when my mood was better and I was dry with clean clothes.
So I go to the local liquor store about a mile and half north of our house. They have the cheapest liquor/beer prices in town. Well that cheapest modality cost them. The roll down hurricane shutters were drawn, parking lot empty. The place only open for about 1 year had gone tits up!!

Geat! now I HAVE to go to the grocery store where I didn't want to go in the firt fucking place!!. Either that or just grab a case of Bud Light from the convenience store next door to our house after dinner.

No.. I wanted my special beer. My small little treat to myself and I was looking forward to all day and Friday night. I was really agitated at this point. All this testing of my patience every which way I turned all day was accumulating and I started becoming very negative, fonchin, fumin and a cussin at everything.
Pulled into the grocery store parking lot and did a little attitude adjustment on myself.
I hobbled into the store. Chaffed thighs and ass cheeks aren't fun. My leather chain wallet even chaffed my butt cheeks so I'm walking like I got a load of shit in my britches, my hand in my back right pocket holding the wallet and material away from my butt cheeks. What a sight that must have been!! but I didn't care.

I decided to get a container of salad greens for salads over the weekend. I started to browse what beer I wanted this week and suddenly I had to piss like a race horse!!! and like Now!! I shuffled off quickly to the men's room did my thing and came back to the beer aisle. Picked out my beer which was a Black and Tan and proceeded ot the checkout. I decided the Irish stout could be next weeks choice.

I sure as hell didn't want to stand in line so having 2 items I opted for the self checkout. I've become quite adept to using that self checkout contraption for just a few items. Wouldn't ya know!!! I go and mash the "Finish and Pay" button on the touch screen. This loud electronic beeping alarm goes off and this electronic woman's voice says "You have purchased an age restricted item, please take receipt to pay station to have age verified and to complete this purchase"

Well I blew a gasket!!! and when I mean I blew, I blew!!!. A string of expletives belched forth from my mouth that would make a sailor blush. The clerk comes over to help me. He says... you have to wait for me, wait fer me in a thick spanish accent.

That word "wait" mashed my last button.

"I DON'T WANNA FUCKING WAIT!!!,IF I WANTED TO FUCKING WAIT I WOULD HAVE GONE TO A HUMAN CASHIER AND STOOD IN FUCKING LINE, THESE GOD DAMNED SELF CHECKOUTS ARE WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!!"

Okay now I'm being the person and thing I despise most in life and that's an Asshole.
I thought to myself "Reality Check" and my mind quietly responded back.. Fuck You. I was just too heated at this point but quickly realized I had to diss the asshole part of me.
Perhaps this medication I started to help with my energy is making me switch phase to manic. This is what I get like when full blown manic episode. I haven't seen this in me for quite some time and I could feel an internal agitation.

The clerk hands me the receipt and escorts me to the service desk in order to complete the transaction. GREAT!!! 4 people deep and I have to wait. He could see I was extremely pissed. He looked at me and said "Here's your receipt and I need to see your ID"

What the Fuck!!! I thought and gave him a look from hell. I then realized... I'm 44 years old, my beard is turning gray, I've got lines and wrinkles around my eyes now and I just been asked for my ID!! I haven't been asked that in 23 years!!!. I could see he was smiling and I coudln't resist and caved in and laughed... "I'll gladly show you my ID!!! I haven't been asked for that in years"
Suffice it to say the guy diffused me and got me to laugh. By now only one person was ahead me. I made my purchase and left. I woulda been out long before if I stood in a human cashier line.

I got into my truck and drove the 1/2 mile home. My parking spot in front of house was taken!!! neighbor lady was sitting there looking at her mail. She saw that I was home and drove away. I had to go around the block so I could get the truck and trailer pulled up along our fence.

My partner already got to hear this story last night when I came home and detail by detail told him what happened. Showered, fixed and ate dinner and started to dive into those Black and Tans. They sure were right good. A few Bud Lights throw'd in,
my usual Friday night chat on phone with a friend was short this week but still fun nonetheless. I opted to head over to Yahoo and go into private conference with some online friends.
I hadn't hung out here on Friday Night Chat Party in a coons age. I know my one friend had been really wanting me to come on FNCP.

Finished out the night with some good conversation about a new music group he's starting, talked about tatoo's and my writing along with other things other folk we discussing.

3 a.m. I heard one of the dogs barfing in the bedroom. Shoo'd him out he back door right quick like. Cleaned up the mess and decided I'm going to bed while I still can keep this peace inside me and keep my sanity.

Tommorrow will be another day.

JD

It's HOT!!!

I have to ask myself who am I kidding when I say I like the heat with this god awful attrocious humidities??. I always say.."Oh I love the heat" Yeah!!! Right!!!. I tell myself this during the other months of the year that ain't like it is now.
I went to work on Tuesday to trim a sea grape tree. Not a complicated operation. I've maintained this tree for the client for years. A couple of hours on a tall step ladder with some pruning shears, DONE!!!. Fairly easy work if you ask me. However as I set out Tuesday to do it the air temp was in the upper 90's and dewpoint was close to 80 degrees. The noon sun burning down relentless under the tropical July sky. It wasn't just HOT!!!... it was totally gross!!. Felt like being inside a steam sauna with a massive hot light shining on you. I had confirmed with the client what she wanted done. In those few minutes my tshirt was soaked.

Gathered the needed tools for the tree trimming, got the step ladder set up. By this time my sleevless tshirt was dripping!!!. Oh this just sucks!!!. Well at least I'll be under and in the tree sheltered from the sun. I worked about 30 minutes and my shorts were getting drenched. Time to get a drink, change shirt and rest a spell in the shade. I'm a profuse sweater beyond the point of normal in my opinion. I see many dudes workin outside and they don't sweat anywhere close to what I do or so it seems.

I peeled off my totally saturated shirt and wrung it out in the street with about 2 cups of water equivalent worth of sweat. Placed the tshirt ontop of the corrugated steel toolbox in pickup truck bed to dry in the sun. Toweled off my soaked body and put on a dry, clean sleeveless tshirt.

The heat shimmered off the pavement amongst the palacial multi million dollar homes on the Gulf of Mexico. The tropical hardwood hammocks buzzed with circadas, even the vegetation looked as though it was screamin "It's HOT!!" I noticed not a branch, a palm frond was even moving. The air was dead still. Even the clouds over the water were boiling from the intense tropical heat.

Last I looked my truck thermometer said 97 degrees when I as driving on the Overseas Highway to the clients house. I mozzy'd on back to the back of the house on the Gulf to continue working on the tree. My t shsirt already starting to get wet. Another 45 minutes in and around the tree and I was done. now I had to clean up the mess!!. I had zero energy left and my body was a hurtin real bad.

I was again totally drenched. It's a fact of life I have to accept doing the job I do in the climate I live.

I was going very slow. The heat year after year is starting to take a toll on me. Too many years of heat exhaustion, excessive dehyrdation; my body just isn't holding up well in the heat like it used to. Folk tell me to drink water... I drink gallons of it a day!!. I'd have to stop and drink every 10-15 minutes to keep my body half way hydated in this climate. Many times on the job this isn't always feasible nor productive. I went to the truck to get a drink and my previous soaked thsirt was now dry. I took the soppin wet shirt off and replaced it with a dry one, this is a common feat fer me on a given workday about every 30 minutes of shirt changin. Drank a good bit of water and went and had me a sit down.

I wasn't feeling well, not good at all. I rarely have a day I feel good anymore. I think years of working in this heat has taken it's toll and my body no longer favorably responds.

Outside there just ain't no place to cool off. The shade offers some relief if one sits quietly. Most of my work is in the sun and even movement in the shade???... it's just hot!!! and do I ever fuckin SWEAT!!! The heat wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the god damned sweating I do!!!.

Today another day of not a stitich of wind. A morning tropical downpour just added to the thick, suffocating, stifling steam already in the air. It was impossible to keep anything on me dry today. Even my shorts were so soaked they were dripping, the insides of my legs chaffed... yep..this sucks!!! There ain't no relief in the heat until sometime in October when the October trade winds start to blow again and in November when the cold fronts start blowin in. That's a LONG time to wait.

Ya know it's funny. Each winter it's normal to get cold snaps in south Florida and the Florida Keys. When I say cold snaps??... morning low tempertaures in the 40's for the Florida Keys... that's about as cold as it gets here. I've seen it drop to 39 degrees once and that was a record low and folk literally freaked out.

Usually 44-45 is about as cold as it gets. The news makes a huge deal bout it like it's never happened before. Yours truly is pissin, bitchin and a fonchin and a fumin about the god damned cold fronts!!. Thing is it's not that it's cold!!. It's actually PERFECT weather. Morning low temps in the low 50's maybe even high 40's and afternoons in the mid to high 60's, the deepest, bluest skies?? and DRY air... OMG...it just can't get any better than that...can it???

I reckon I get all bent outta shape cuz on the mainland some areas get down to the low to middle 30's with damaging frosts and freezing temperatures. I hate to see or think all the beauitufl vegetation getting damaged. I saw a devastating freeze back in the mid 90's up in the Naples, Fl. Two mornings in the high 20's fried all the tropical vegeation, turned the palm trees brown..it was really sad. In the Miami area the agriculutural areas on the mainland are naturally colder so winter vegetable and tropical fruit tree crops get threatened during such outbreaks with even some slight damage on occasion. That is what I bitch and complain about!!!!. Dunno why I worry and fret over it, I really don't . It's not like I live up there.. Just one of my idiosyncrisies I reckon.

We are now in the midst of summer. The night time temps no longer even drop below 80 degrees and won"t until sometime in October. I'm the type of dude that really doesn't like wearin shorts... what the fuck am I doin livin in the Florida Keys where 99% of the population wheres shorts?. I like my Wrangler jeans and boots however I have no choice with the way I sweat but to wear shorts when I work during summer. I still wear my jeans though when I'm not working. Perhaps sometime in October when the winds start blowin I'll be able to don the Wrangler jeans and boots again fer work.

I'm a total outdoors type person. I love the outdoors. My idea of a good time is sittin in front of the fire and playin with it. Yeah I got a bit of pyro in me..LOL. Good people, good conversation, a few beers, some nice music playin in background, some good eats off the barbeque...now that's livin!!! Sure ain't no fun to sit in front of a fire when it's still 87 degrees at midnight.

What's a real scream is during the winter when it actually does get cool for a the few days here and there that it does. I can't get anyone to sit out with me. The north winds and temperatures in the middle 50's...yes...I said middle 50's and it's now 'TOO COLD"!! Whatcha ya'll talkin bout??.. this is perfect to build a big ole fire, put on a hooded sweat shirt and the fun really begins. Yet for most Keys folk that's too cold and I can't get anyone to sit out with me... so I sit alone.

The comfort of my youngin days comes from the smell of burning wood from wood stoves and fireplaces in cool, crisp air. Love to go campin and really rough it. I don't mean those luxury home on wheels type shit , those are for old folk and sissies. A good ole tent, a camp fire where you have to cook yer food. A crick to gather drinkin water and then you zip up in a sleepin bag to keep warm as you listen to all the critters out and about.. now that's campin!!

The Florida Keys truly are paradise. It really is beautiful here but unless you are really into fishing, boatin, divin there really ain't squat to do here. I don't dive, don't own a boat nor do I want to. Fishin??... the fishin I know and remember was in a mountain stream or lake as a youngin. I personally don't really care fer the taste of fish. Had a bad experience with it once when in my youngin years. Sure wish I liked it though. It be somethin to do here and some good eatin too.

The vegetation is beautiful and many songs and poems written bout it. Even our yard is almost like a tropical botanical gardens.

I feel I done what I came here in the Florida Keys to do. All my life my dream was to live in Fl and I fullfilled that. Will I spend the rest of my life here? Well my heart and soul is beckoning me back to the mountains. My desire to see seasons change, to be able to put on a coat more than 3-4 times a winter. Like I said I love the outdoors. I could spend more time outdoors doing alot more things than I do down here. I woudln't mind seein a few snowfalls, seein the leaves unfold in spring and the trees turn color in the fall. The smell of wood burnin in crisp air. I can sure think of alot of fun things to do up in the mountains. Someday..... Someday.......

For now I'll sweat it out. At least my job is outdoors so I'm not cooped up inside of some place. Fact of life is the heat and deal with it I will like I have all these years. Folk need to remind me this winter. When the local news says "Big Chill Coming to South Florida" and the forecast low temps in the 40's and I start pitchin a fit??... "Hey remember how you bitched last summer about the heat and humidity?... You yearned desperately for a crisp day in the 60's and a night in the high 40's to mid 50's. You so badly wanted to build a fire to sit in front of while you slugged down the brews and wear yer favorite Carhartt jacket?

Remind me of that folk and slap me upside the head come January...

Night Ya'll

JD

Magic Moment

One of the better mornings I've had in the longest of times and it's bout damn time too!!!!.
Friday night wasn't anything this week other than a kicked back, chilled out float around type night. I was looking forward to havin my usual brews, getting a decent buzz on and chattin on the phone. Friday was excruciatingly hot with max temp hitting 100. It just plain sucks when it's that hot and the humidity here is that a god damned steam sauna that is relentless along with the burning orb sun.
Reckon I'm tiring of the Florida Keys or at least this relentless heat that you can't go anything in.
I had looked forward Friday to makin a nice home cooked dinner followed by some beers and my usual Friday Night chat on the phone. There are just some things in life I have to have as routine, structure and do the same each week. A little bit of security in this troubled and volatile world.
After I commenced drinking beers I realized just how tired I was. I put in a long day and in 100 degree heat. An email from my friend said that the phone call would come until late if at all as they had other plans with family.
I spent the night writin emails and playin around on You Tube. I reckon I spend 1/2 my Internet time there. My latest kick is I can find old songs/videos and listen to ones just I want to hear. 2 weeks ago it was songs from circa 1990 just after I got outta boot camp. I done played the hell outta em and really enjoying em too. I had an 80's song Sussidio by Phil Collins stuck in my head that I heard in the grocery store last week. I came to You Tube and typed it in. SHIT!!! took me forever tryin to get the spelling right. I knew it was from the year 1985 so I went over to Google and typed in Top Songs of 1985. Sure enough I found it.
Okay so now I have the Billboard top 100 songs of 1985. I read through the list recognizing a good majority of the songs. Some I still could hear the tune in my head and others I had to hear but I quickly recognized. Well you got it..good ole You Tube. Then we got into top songs of 1984 and 1986.
What great bands and artists back in the day. Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Chaka Khan, Pet Shop Boys to name just a few. I enjoyed the reminisce of my younger early 20 days when life was simple and carefree. My only worries was working for a Sybil at the switch type boss and making a car payment and not missing a party night at the club in hopes of finding that Mr Right. Ahhh life was good and simple.
4 beers was the extent of my Friday night last night. Extremely mild and laid back for this beer drinking Redneck. I had been knocked down with some sort of bug the past few weeks that has literally knocked the dog shit outta me. Friday was my first day I felt decent... I say decent and not good but decent since the end of June. Even in June my feel good days energy wise were far and few. Tired but a tired from a days work and realizing my friend wasn't going to be calling I wound the night down and headed for bed. There was always Coast 2 Coast with George Noory to listen to on the radio which I do everynight.
Between the beer and the sweet tea I done drank last night I was up pissin like every 2 hours. Oh the joy of getting older!!!. I used to be able sleep a whole night through no matter how much I drank without the need to get up to piss. Now 3 or 4 times a night is not uncommon. I slept good, dreamt hard. 7:00 a.m. the first rays of sun started peekin in the top of the bedroom drapes. I knew I wouldn't sleep much longer, damn I gotta put those hurricane storm panels up over the sliding glass door to make the room dark and keep that nasty sun out!!.
I stirred and farted which got all the dogs awake, usual morning routine. The baby Rottweiler is the first awake. Hey eyeballs steadfast to you waiting fer your eyes to pop open.
Her wildly waggin nubby and squeeky yawns is everyone cue to get up. In seconds you have to cup your hands over your crotch to protect the twins from excited paws on the bed.
I awoke to wagging tails and nubbies, snortin noses and happy eyes. Our 4 legged kids looking at me sayin.. "Good Mornin Dad!!!... hurry up and open this here gate as we gotta go potty and we are hungry!!!" I was happy to see them too.
Something was different this morning!!. I felt good!!! Felt good not only mentally but physically. I woke up hearing this 80's song in my head "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears For Fears. Fed the dogs and headed for computer at 7:15 a.m. You guessed it..You Tube!!!. Already have the song saved to my favorites.
Put the song on that I was hearing in my head. I stood looking at the dining room clock 7:17 a.m., the song played as I looked out the living room window through the blinds across the street. I could see neighbors fixin to go somewheres. The sun was mounting higher and higher in an almost cloudless sky. Digital thermometer already registered 84 degrees, gonna be another nasty hot day. I took in the song as I watched across the street and looked around the living room I was standing in.
Excited about my plans for the day, the way the sun was shining and for once in a VERY long time I felt good. Suddenly you have one of those moments in time. It's not worldly by any means. It's a special place between the created Matrix and true essence of reality. You just feel good inside. It's better than any drug or alchohol buzz could ever give you. You realize your heart, mind, body and soul are in synch and all feel the same greatness. It's an extreme peace, overflowing serenity and profound internal happiness. The smallest things seem special and are appreciated.
These moments I've dubbed "Magic Moments" as they are fleeting. Sometimes they last just a moment, sometimes you can stretch em to last several minutes and on a lucky and extreme rare event you can get em to last hours. I think this is what life will be like when I cross over. This is what the true reality is like outside the created matrix.
Magic Moments can be spurred by usually the simplest of things. A nice breeze, the way the sun is shining, a blue sky, a smell, a song, a memory. You know when one hits as they are profound to the extreme. You are filled so much inside. You almost loose contact with this present reality. Even in a troubled world with yer own life full of troubles and worries they all seem to melt away for a few moments. There is nothing but joy, peace and happiness inside you. Sometimes it can be so profound you feel as though you are going to burst.
It's 8:49 a.m. now. That magic Moment is now going into "Magic Hours" yes a very rare thing indeed. I'm still listening to my music from 1984-86 Reminiscing of my younger days and also just appreciating what was good music in my day. I just don't want this to end but like all Magic Moments they are just that... Moments. Moments in time were we are freed of the spacial time relation, a ripple in the space/time continuim of what it's REALLY like. Right now would be a very good meditation time for me as I would be capable of astral travel and remote viewing at this point.
Something definitely happening that hasn't happened since last November of this magnitude.
Maybe I brought this one by in my head rededicating myself as a Solitary Practitioner and planning out some much needed Energy cleansing works for the New Moon tonight. Somehow doing this I suddenly opened the fllood gates or so it seems to the spiritual realm. A realm I felt so cut off from for so very long. Suddenly I'm getting the spiritual answers I've been looking for.
I need to follow through with tonight's New Moon Ceremony and Energy workings.
It's going to be a good day.

JD

Changing Name or Name Change

Ya know isn't it strange in this life of choices and sometimes I personally think life if full of too many of them. Perhaps I wish I was wealthy enough to have somebody make em fer me. However wealthy monetarily I'm not but life and heart wise I am. Don't we choose each day what we are going to wear, eat, drink?. We choose what vehicles we are going to drive, what dwellings to live in. Don't we make the choice whether or not to go to work, to get outta bed. We make major life choices such as where we want to live, what jobs we want to work at and even what person we share our life with. We even have the power of choice what we want with our own bodies. All these choices are subject to change and are up to the discretion of the individual. As to whether or not the choices are wise?, well we all make our own beds and then have to sleep in them.

I recently watched this t.v. documentary. He was a man but inside he knew he truly was a woman and born a woman on the inside. He had all the physical attributes of being a male yet inside he knew he was female. Being a gay male all my life I could never grasp this concept until it hit me that night. Inside that man saw who he really was. He really was a woman but born in a man's body. A fluke of nature?, a cross in one of the brains connections?. Not being in that position I cannot honestly answer that. However I deeply understood watching several men realize what they truly are inside. Some were married with children and led the most macho of lifestyles but lived a life of frustration. Deep inside they kept it hidden and even they in self denial until they came to terms with it. They then made the decision to be what they truly are inside regardless of the price, the consequences, the pain. The folk considered Transgendered and even myself in the gay community could not understand them. I thought they were just men that wanted to dress in woman's clothes or Drag Queens as it's called.

They may have started just by dressing in drag but that opened the door to what and who they truly are inside.

I've watched these men believe so strongly in there hearts and souls of what they truly are inside that they removed all physical attributes of being a male to having sex change operation and I've seen woman go through the same process.

I didn't understand any of this as to what is going on inside them until faced with my own situation. No I'm not a woman trapped in a mans body. I'm just a happy homosexual male.

So in this life full of choices being homosexual certainly wasn't one of them and if it was I'd still choose who I am right now.

One thing that pisses me off though and this is the main subject matter of today's blog is the one choice I never did get to make. That choice was my given, legal name. Naturally I was born and a name was already chosen for me by my parents. Since the youngest of my youngin days I hated my given name that being Kevin.... God damn!!! it angers me to just type out those 5 letters just in this blog. I've hated that name since I could remember. My middle name???... won't EVEN fucking go there!!. What was Daddy thinking at the time?

Was it that booming voice of my daddy when I did something wrong when my name would get called out. The wailing voice of my mama when I did something wrong or was being summoned for whatever it was. Then came school, my playmates. This was my given name and one that I had to be called by and I hated hearing it every fucking time. At the youngest of age hearing that name angered the fuck outta me but I haven't a clue as to why.

I remember when I was a youngin sometime back in the early 1970's. There was a televison show called Emergency. I admired one of the firemen on the show... Fireman Roy Desoto was his character name. Naturally when I was a youngin I wanted to be every macho, blue collar career there was. Fireman was a biggie fer me. I even had all the firemans gear a youngin could have. One day I wrote on a piece of paper... "Fireman Roy Desoto" hey...he was my hero, my Icon of the day. Even then at such a young age I thought he was cute. Using a safety pin I put my homemade name tag on my tshirt and thought I was the coolest dude. In fact I went down to the fire station just to hang with the firemen mainly so they could see my new name tag but being a volunteer station no firemen were around yet, not even to sit at the bar like they always did as it was early Sunday morning. Instead I stopped at a friends house across the street from the fire station.

I went to the back door and their sat Mrs Mowry at her kitchen table. OH MY GOD!!! I still can see that hideous iridescent blue eye shadow, the attack of the eye liner pencil, mascara..she looked like cat woman!!!! but that was the style of women back in the day. Mrs Mowry sat at her kitchen table talking with a friend. She was smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes. I commenced to knock on the door to look for my friend Scotty. She looked at me and saw my name tag on my shirt. "That's Not Your Name!" she barked giving me a funny look. She inquired as to why I didn't use my real name and I rightly recall stating I didn't like my real name...I liked the one I put on my name tag better. Naturally I was made fun...shit I'm used to that but it hurt then and still hurts now but oh well fuck em all.

I remember my world was shattered that Sunday morning. Now I felt funny/strange wearing my tv hero's name and not using it as my own nor wanting to.

This facet would not change the rest of my life. All through life I came up with nicknames to have people call me as I hated my given name. I'd rather someone yell at me and just say.... HEY!!!! as compared to calling my given name.

Daddy called me all sorts of nicknames. He was a good man, a Saint in my eyes as I look back. However I knew I was in trouble or something serious was up when I heard my full given name come from him.

I suffered with this fer years and just dealt with it. Everytime I had to write, sign or give my name aloud a wave of anger would overtake me and still does to this day. When I hear my given name blurted out...anger instantly fills me and sometimes to the point of rage.

During my military years we usually referred to one by there last name or a nick name. In fact many units I belonged to went by nicknames in non formal settings. I didn't have a nickname so going by being called my last name was in it's own...Okay.... but better than going by the first name.

Over the years I've contemplated various names I wanted to go by. Remember this has been a lifelong battle. On the outside I was one name but inside I felt there was a different name that belonged to my earthly existence just the same analogy I opened up today's blog with in regards to the transgendered male or female.

Many years I settled on David and I was contemplating as that being my new legal name. I was happy with that but something seemed to still be missing. I didn't think anyone took me serious despite my talking bout it so again I pushed it deep inside. I was in therapy at the time and spoke to my therapist bout it. He was a cool guy, good ole boy that would bring himself to my level that made me very comfortable. I spoke of my name change and he supported it.

He said to go to the courthouse, get the paperwork and that was that. Naturally alot followed changing social security and everything but a step then I was willing to take. As the years went forward since 2003 I've grown to know who, what I am inside. Not liking many attributes about me and myself I realized I had the power of choice and the ability to change. I have choices.

I began reinventing myself and creating something/somebody I did like and it's still a working process as I write this. Now 2007 I'm still at wanting to change my name and I have settled upon what I want it to be. That being JD...which I thought my new full name could be Jason David. Most of the Jason's I've met in life are good looking men and the David's intellectually smart. I look in the mirror and I see a Jason and inside my brain I see a David... Jason David. Being a southern boy I want to go by being called my initials.. JD. At the advice of my therapist some years ago he told me to use my new name in internet chat rooms, bulletin boards, emails and even use that name as much as I could to see how it sounded. To see how it rang within me.

I look back over the course of a couple years now and see that I've been using JD in various applications some of which I stumbled upon the other day dating back to 2004.

On Thanksgiving 2006 I officially started using JD as my new name in the various Internet Discussion groups I belong to. Many just knew me on the discussion forums as "Cowboy" that worked great for years but I'm continuing to grow and Cowboy no longer fits in all applications. Jan 1st I've started using it in private correspondence to those that are in the know of the changeover. Yes I confused many at first but MOST..not all have now switched to calling me JD. NONE use my real name except for one person on Yahoo messenger and that makes my blood boil. It wasn't me that divulged my real name but another person. That can be easily remedied. Anyhow I like using my new name JD. It is me and I feel comfortable. I decided to give myself one year before making it legally official that being Thanksgiving 2007. Naturally I had some explaining to do on my discussion forums and was met with widespread approval.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago I received a phone call from an Internet friend that bypassed the JD and called me Jason David... Okay.... this felt like back to my childhood and I was in trouble again. So now some refined thinking to perhaps just JD.

Eventually I will make my name change legal and won't have to hear that name given to me by my parents nearly 44 years ago. A name that brings internal pain and anger that not even therapy will cure...been there, done that.

Fears now is how Mama will take this... no doubt she will be hurt. How do you hurt somebody you love so dearly for the sake of your own happiness? yet to keep it a secret wouldn't be right. It is at this point I look at those transgendered men, women. How does a parent feel that the boy they raised for 20,30,40 years is now a woman. Has female features, female name. How did those parents accept?.... through Love... period. It wasn't easy on both parties involved but they got through it and something I've decided that I will have to face when I legally change my name. The same way I hope my Mama accepts me changing the name her and Daddy picked out nearly 44 years ago.

So in legal aspects do I go for Jason David...that's what will have to appear on all legal documents, drivers license, checks, credit cards, bank statements, etc....or do I want to just see JD??.

This is why I'm giving myself until Thanksgiving of this year before I make the final decision.

This gives me more time to think how I want the legalities of this to look on paper and how I in an official sense..want to be called.... I still prefer just JD. If I'm in a doctors office, a bank, a courtroom.... I want to hear JD. I'll know what it stands for and if folk ask I can tell them. Think I'm answering my own question here as I blog this.

As I continue to reinvent self, the new name fits me perfectly as to who and what I truly am inside. Even recent photos of myself??. For years I didn't see a good looking person. Recently I'm seeing what's inside coming forth in the photos. I'm seeing JD now emerging forth physically and he's one very good looking dude and for the first time photos I actually like of myself.

It was for the longest time that JD only existed deep within my mind, heart and soul. So much so I wrote bout him as sperate entity in a short fantasy stories. I was him on the outside appearence wise and deep deep within but had to connect the two. I wrote bout meeting myself a story about me meeting myself as a stranger. What a fantastic story I wrote. Now the two have integrated just as they did in the story and I like the working progress that is going on. I still got a ways to go but getting there nonetheless.

Many years and most of my life folk always told me to "Just Be Yourself" How could I be?!?! when I myself didn't know who the fuck I was. Now I'm finding myself and reinventing and improving that I don't like. After all...it's my choice and the power lies within to make that choice and to bring forth change.



JD

Birth of New Name and Rebirth of Self

A Rednecks Journal
Just a simple southern, Good Ole Boy, Redneck expressing myself in my writings.
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Life sure has been changing for me these past weeks. I've been wanting to come over here to my blog site and start posting in my Redneck journal. I've lived such a rich and full life and only 43 years old. I originally started writing on this as coming outta the Martix of a created reality. That was last December. I have come outta the Matrix of disillusionment and Created reality.

Then I went through a melancoly period where I expressed thoughts/feelings in poetry... deleted that after awhile as I was goin through a rather hard time. Dealt with serious depression summer of 2006 and hated my body so I lost 70 lbs... I was almost anorexic. I was dealing with some issues and they were coming to a head after a life time.

Now here I am. I've been told I should write a book about my life and the many facets thereof and my adventures which have been many lemme tell ya'll.

Lemme tell ya'll bout myself. My name is JD which stands for Jason David. I'm legally changing my real name to JD. I'm leaving out my "given" name as it conjures up intense/extreme rage and anger within. It's a part of me, my past I want to bury of a very painful part in my young life. It never has fit me and is not me. I chose JD as it stands for Jason David. Why??. Well all the men named Jason I've met in my life have been extremely good looking, outgoing and confident. All the Davids I met have been good looking but they have intelligence, reasoning and logic and are true and genuine just as the Jasons. That is me...that is what you would see in the package deal to meet me in person. A combination of the Jasons and the Davids I done met in my life.

This is who and what I am. I'm not a bad looking dude for 43 years of age if I do say so myself. I'm a very macho, southern hick, Redneck and I like what I see when I look in the mirror. Might not care none to much for my expanding belly as I grow older but a wonderful rich southern diet and my fondness sweets, the drink that being my beer and rum are now starting to add up poundwise as my years add up but overall I'm happy. I come across by appearence as just a plain ole, hick, good ole boy with the intellgence of an earthworm. Get to talkin to me and you will see I was once a Meteorologist and educated myself through reading, lots of reading of anything that interested me. I always wanted to learn new things and still do. I can hold an intelligent conversation with the best of em. Yet I can hold and understand folk from the backwoods of the south through a cobweb conglomerate of thick southern drawl and lingo to ones that never done had proper schooling and can't read or write proper.

I been tossing the idea around for many many years of legally changing my name...most of my life actually. Even as a wee youngin I had nicknames I went by.... Then it was Bubba..that name stuck for a long time. Only my parents and some not so good relatives called me by my given name.

I chose Jason at one time and David another time and never told anyone. Now I done put the two together. As typical with us southern Redneck folk we either go by first and middle name...or intials. So JD it is. Some of ya'll that know me as Cowboy. Where did Cowboy come from?. Well while in the military I was stationed in West Texas for 2 years. I adopted the Cowboy look as part of my personna while I lived there. In 1998 after living in Key Largo for a spell I had to return to North Carolina at the time intentions where for permanent but it lasted for 8 months. I created a new screen name with my local ISP..Cowboy3536.... the numbers corresponding that I was 35 going on 36 years of age.

Having AOL... I created a new screen name as well... Cowboy3536. I was still wearing my Cowboy hat, boots and Wrangler jeans from my Texas days. Today I'm still wearing my Wrangler jeans, boots as today only with a Hunting cammo design cap tha many of us rednecks have adopted as a silent communication lingo or so it seems.

Folk in Key Largo started calling me "Cowboy" because I stood out. That nickname got transferred over to screen names. Eventually I became very active in Yahoo groups using the Cowboy screenname as my Email addy...still do in some. Folk there started calling me Cowboy... the name stuck. I been rather comfortable with that for many years. Legally that wouldn't sound or look good.

Back in the early 1980's I was a skinny young thing and coming to terms with my sexuality as a gay male. The rural deep south was NOT the place to come outta the closet. Mamma and Daddy done split up in January of 1974. Mamma done run north off to Michigan with a man to the very "liberal" town of Ann Arbor.

My Daddy passed away on September 26th, 1982 of major carido infarction at the young age of 56. This was his 3rd heart attack over the years and the one that dealt the final blow. Ya'll will get to know daddy in future writings. He was the best daddy one could have and under the circumstances he did very well rearing me up. My oldest brother long moved out in 1970 and married and has a huge clan of 6 of his own and now has many many grandchildren. My other brother 5 years older than myself...him and I never saw eye to eye. He never liked me and to this day I still don't think he does but he was 15 when my folk split and wasn't affected as deeply nor scared like I was. Daddy did his best to compensate and he did it well.

Anyway I struggled with my sexuality all through high school. Knew deep inside who/what I truly was. I was attracted to dudes in every way, shape form it just happened that way. Never was a choice or decision. I had to make the choice to be TRUE to my damn self. Not the other way around. We don't choose to be gay or straight for that matter. Trust me knowing the scorn and ridicule we face in society and even from our families do you think we would choose this life if there was decsions and choice involved?. That is why so many of us torture ourselves by living in the closet in the Puritanical mindset of the Modern 21st century. I tried to fit myself into societies norms by dating girls in High shcool. Never had any feelings towards a girl. We'd kiss, make out and I'd be envisioning this dude I had a major crush on or some hot dude I saw in class. Never even the slightest sexual arousal ever when dating girls and trying to make out. It was so un natural and disgusting to me and I never did fit into society's norms. I'm a true Rebel and now one with a cause.

After Daddy's passing I had to go where I could be the person I truly was inside. In the rural south as the same with any small town across America. Everybody knows Everyone, ya'lls business is everyone else's business. You can't shit without Betty Jo down the road seein your bathroom light come on at 3 a.m. I certainly couldn't come out here. I already for many years was teased, ridiculed and even mentally tortured by other kids because I was different. I always have danced to my own tuen and marched to the beat of my own drum.

I was just a little hick kid from the sticks. To come out in rural western, N.C. I'd be lambasted. Even though Asheville...the Big City as we done called it was quite liberal it still had that mindset. I had to get away and start fresh. My mentor of my life that being my daddy was gone. My world, the one person that truly understood, accepted my eccentric, Rebel ways and loved me was gone. My world was shattered and I was now dealing with myself, my sexuality. I had a sexual liason with a store employee at the Kmart I worked at in Hendersonville, NC and the word got out. I wasn't ready to face myself now folk were finding out that wasn't my first encounter. Suddenly it came outta the woodwork. I was always discreet in my encounters..we had to be or face ridicule, slander and isolation not to say risk being run outta town. I became the talk of the town and what a scandal it was.

So I moved away to a very liberal, open minded moderate sized city/college town. Live there for 7 years. This was my first time being exposed to different cultures, ecclectic lifestyles and a whole new way of life. Outgoing the person I am I befriend very quickly. I had moved to Ann Arbor Michigan. The folk where fascinated with my thick southern Alabama and North Carolina drawl and lingo. Here I was exposed to different accents, lingo and names for things. This was all new to me and I was in a very invigorating culture shock.

I had a wonderful synergy with people and was now living my life as a very open gay male and celebrating my sexuality and that I did. I sowed my wild oats like oats have never been done sown before. I think I done partied all of my 20's away. If I saw dude I liked I usually got what I wanted. I grew exponentially. Learned and accepted new lifestyles, nationalities, spiritual belief systems outside the background in which I was raised and come from. I was now part of the Ecclectic mix that Ann Arbor, Michigan is so renown for. Daddy having worked for the Gov't for all his adult life, he had a college fund set up for me. I could have went to the University of my choice and being Ann Arbor that was the Universtiy of Michigan. I could have went ALL on the expense of Uncle Sam. Partying and sowing my wild oats was more important then. The U of M has one of the best meteorology training there is.

Still deep inside I hated myself...something I just hated...it was that name?...yes. It was also the fact here I was proclaming my sexuality to the world and expected all to accept me. There was a facet of me that couldn't accept my damn self based on my upbringing. I fought that demon all my adult life until Thanksgiving of 2006. Even though I was very confident and secure in my sexuality there was still a part deep within that didn't accept that.

Well just prior to Thanksgiving I changed all my profiles on all my screen names, websites and any place I had a profile. Most had my name as Cowboy, Bubba, SouthernRebel. One site would show my "Legal" given name...that being Yahoo. I went in and changed it.

You see I went to therapy for the name change a coons age ago and was told it's a big step. One way to see if I was comfortable was to use the Internet, private writings and the like and see how that name rang, how if felt. I never did do it until just days prior to Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving this year was very special to me. The past I ran away from.... that being the southern, hick, hillbilly, Redneck I re embraced when I met my partner in 2000. It however was always part of me. My partner is a good ole boy, Redneck such as myself and over the course of my adult life these were the type of dudes I was naturally attracted to. I lived a rich southern heritage and one that I'm proud of. I grew up poor to low end of the middle class on the monetary scale but wealthy in warm memories, funny stories, comfort foods and traditions. So much so I had both my arms tatoo'd with the Confederate (Rebel) flag. My love and passion for the south, my heritage and my true person as well as being one that bucks the system.... A Rebel and I have a Cause now.

So back to Thanksgiving I was surrounded by my parnters family of all southern, rednecks and very laid back folk. Yeah know the type you can fart around the dinner table your fart gets rated and not the EEWWW...that's gross. I logged onto Yahoo Thankgiving night and signed into my Yahoo Groups. There for the first time I saw.. Welcome JD

Deep inside something instantly released that I can only describe as the demon I been fighting all my life was gone now. Instant comfort over took me. For the first time in my life there was no hatred of myself within, no self loathing. I was now that Good looking, Macho, strong, confident and intelligent man and admitted it. That one facet of my personality that loathed my sexuality was gone. The physical image I portray I finally feel deep within for the first time. I truly have been celebrating life. I have united the proud Redneck I am, synergized my rich southern heritage. I have indeed led a very wonderful life. I love to tell stories...all true of my past... I love to make people laugh, yet I like to touch their souls.

I always thought Creator cheated me in not giving me any talent as far as manly things. I can't build anything worth a shit, done tried and tried and tried. Usually a disaster or fiasco or combination thereof. Tried getting into car engines and such.... No go there either. Even craft type projects.... all thumbs and I usually make a mess!!!! I have discovered I reach out to folk through my writing. I have made people laugh, cry. I have written fantasy stories so descript that my partner fell upon one of my writings I absent mindedly left on the computer. It was a writing of a torrid affair I was having with a dude named JD.... I was writing about myself!!!!. I had stepped outta myself, my skin and done wrote about meeting myself. Sounds odd don't it?. However I see how it plays a role now. I was in a part called "Integration" Well my partner went to use the computer one morning after I stayed up editing and just reading my own story one night. There was alot of me I truly loved and was in love with but how could I cross that bridge to the point I felt and believed I was something. That fantasy story was the only way at the time. It was my own persoality but one I didn't feel. I still felt like that abused little, worthless piece of shit kid...thanks to some asshole relatives and asshole youngins I went to school with.

My partner came in SCREAMING at the top his lungs asking who the fuck is JD!!!!.

OOOPPS!!!!!. I quickly climbed outta my peaceful and resting slumber. Inside I knew I done nothing wrong. I never cheated on him but how was I going to explain this. I told him.... JD is ME!!!! it's my alter ego the person I truly am. I stepped outta myself and wrote about meeting me. I used real places, dates and events. Well that took all day to explain and get him to a point of somewhat accepting, believing and comfortable. Then he realized that yes over the years I've been seriously contemplating changing my name... the names I had chosen were either Jason or David... I melded the two finally. I realized that morning. My Partners world was literally temporarialy shattered at the thoughts of me having a torrid affair and going into graphic detail of the intmacy shared. As I been done told for so many many years that when I write I put folk there. They feel like they are where and what I write about. I never done believed though.

That morning I did... I realized I had a very powerful and Creator given talent and one that is my 2nd passion in life that being writing. Now I've finally have melded the facets of me just came together as one person. The Good looking, macho, don't take shit and tell it like is redneck and the Intelligent, loving, sensitive, caring facet synergized. I always kept em seperate somehow. I didn't think I could be Intelligent yet be a Redneck. Yet a Redneck being intelligent and gay.. the two were seperate inside me. I hid behind the fasod of a scant few yahoo forums as to not revealing my sexuality.

I NO longer felt the need to hide any part or all of me anymore. No longer had to remain mysterious. I came out on my Yahoo Chemtrail discussion forum Thanksgiving night to some wonderful, caring loving folk I've known for years now.

Thanksgiving something so magical about that entire day... It all just snapped into place. It was seeing that name but I was feeling it that day.... did I actually feel true happiness of self within?...I think so.

No longer did I feel the seperation inside me. JD was actually born....I was reborn 11/23/2006. That painful part of my past I was finally able to LET GO, that demon fought.

So to ya'll that have known me for many years and are questioning the name change...this is the reason. Never felt a peace, security and serenity within myself all at once.

I'll close fer now ya'll. I hope to share with ya'll many funny stories of growing up in the rural south. Some will make ya cry and some will have your gutt hurting with laughter and maybe a few folk with wet pants. If you done piss yerself laughing reading my writings, rantings and musings... don't get mad at me...LOL.

Brief history of where JD is from. I was born and raised in a small rural town of Talladega, Alabama until about the age of of 10 when mamma and daddy split up. There we moved to Hendersonville, NC...actually just outside it. I lived there until I was 19 when Daddy passed and I had to get away.

A stint in the military for almost 7 years and then to Key Largo, Fl where I presntly reside for the past 10 years... 10 years this month in fact.

Hope ya'll enjoyed my introduction. No longer the mysterious person behind the veil, hiding myself in the forums. When you get to know me you get the whole package now and not just pieces thereof. You can love me and we can celebrate life or you can hate me for who and what I am and to be honest if that is the case... I really don't give a FUCK!!!...honestly. That changed too on Thanksgiving night. I can't please everyone all the time, that was another demon I fought. I would say I didn't give a fuck what people thought or said about me but I did. Now if you don't like me, you can't accept me because I'm gay, because I'm a southern, redneck that proudly flies and displays the Confederate flag know it's TRUE reason. If that's the case... your one shallow person and it's your problem, your isse... Not Mine. If that's the case you don't belong in my life nor reading my blog

Yes.... I'm a Proud Gay, Southern Redneck and truly have fallen in love with myself and the skin I'm in. I now see why Creator has put me here and I will do my best with the help of my guides, my daddy watchin over me and Creator to fullfill what I been placed here to do. That is to help the planent any way I can and to give a gift to humanity by my writing.

Good Night from Paradise in the Florida Keys....

JD

The Tides Of Change

I sit here as another day passes wondering and reckoning. The chemtrails are being spewed fouling the Decmeber skies. The sun angle as far to the south of west as it's gonna go, it's rays casting long shadows. Soon the season will change to winter and the slow journey north of the equator the sun will make.
Change doesn't come without it's evovolving face and often growing pains. I sit here and wonder what tommorrow may bring, what next week will be like or what the next year may entail.
I am in charge of My future and My destiny. God has given me a great gift of "Choice". I can do anything I choose to do, Anything. I do have to remember the consequences that follow such choices I act upon.

Just as the season is changing from Autumn into Winter. I too find change occuring in my life. One would view the onset of the winter season as the darkest and dreariet time ahead. The days are short and nights long. Most folk are locked in the grip of Cold, Snow, Ice and stormy weather and the earth seems dormant. Yet during winter the days will be growing longer even though the wrath of winter will be full force. Change doesn't come without a price.
Just like a remodel of a room or renovation of a building one must tear down the old before putting up the new.

I'm wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm just barely half way through. At least I don't have to go through growing up again and the growth I do gain will be that of wisdom from this point forward.

My world right now surreal as I drift from one day to the next just ecompassing time and space or so it feels. Then I have to tell myself things are changing and they don't come without a price.
Being 40 something and contemplating a career change has to be one of life's biggest stressors. I currently manage and have managed a business for many years, being free and independent and enjoying life. That business soon managed and now controls me because I let it. I'm tired and weary and can honestly say I been there and done that with this phase of life. I have intellect that could carry me to my wildest dreams only to apply myself would require a great deal of change. Change that most of us as humans and I are scared of.

I'm no longer happy doing what I do because I know I can do better. I get looked down upon by many as just a common servant, a low one on the totem pole. Yet I give it my best and with all my heart.

My first passion is meteorology. What I wouldn't do to be a meteorologist. Not the television kind all dressed sappy in suit and tie with pearly white smile reading from a telepromter. No it would have to be the behind the scene type. The one that does the actual work of putting together a forecast.
I had that in my hands once for 6 years. It wasn't a daily grind of a job to me. It was more like going to play, going to do my hobby. Uncle Sam paid me to do my hobby and took good care of me during my years in the military. Once again my priorities not being where they should have been got me in trouble. A bizarre twist of fate had me in the wrong place at the wrong time one bitter cold night on the streets of Uijognbu, South Korea and life dramatically changed for me but being strong I survived and pushed forward almost as though nothing has never happened. It would be years later at a military Base in Southwest Texas some unscrupulous people came into my life. They took the fun out of what I was doing and the effects of Korea from several years prior were now emerging and exacting a heavy toll on my life and career.

Had I listened to those few who were very close to me during my early adult years. I had golden opportunity to attend one of the best University's in the Nation and the means and backing to do it. I had "other" priorities at the time that I hadn't realized then I would have a lifetime to pursue. Partying 24/7/365 was my main focus at the tender age of 21, that was all that mattered in life such a shame.
That window and opportunity closed for good.

I've had a good taste of doing meteorology as a career and for the most part thoroughly enjoyed it with the exception of a couple individuals in Texas. Perhaps I should have taken the pills to calm my nerves. I would have been outta there in a couple years. Yet again I had "Other" priorities at the time that only seemed to have mattered. Yet again maybe Creator was watching and of course knew of the upcoming years of relentless wars. Creator knowing I'm against war and it's attrocities and knowing I wouldn't do well in that situation.

The goal of a meteorologist is not by any means unobtainable right now but it's a far fetched one. One that would require a great deal of effort, fortitude, sacrifice not to say financial means which I don't have.

My second passion is for writing. I never have been able to keep either my body nor my mind still long enough to focus my thoughts and intents through my fingers and into words. Being one that has BiPolar disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder along with a laundry list of Panic and Anxiety Disorder it makes it quite hard to establish focus and then maintain that focus.

So do I give up mowing grass, trimming hedges, blowing leaves out of pea gravel yards?. Do I go and get a 8-5 type job, get paid less money and do the same thing??. That would be ludicrous!! right?
Do I take the chance and start writing. Writing my thoughts, my feelings, fantasies and the way I see life. Do I have what it takes to be a writer? and then can I make a living off of that?
Ahh the unknowns that one has to dive into when making change.

I can only hope I'm not alone in all this with my feelings, thoughts and decisions. I hope a power whomever that may be right now, whether it be God, Creator, Master, Great Spirit, Father has not thrown up his hands and given up on me. It sure feels that way. I hope he's still there guiding me, still there protecting me and still leading me by the hand.
I at several times have taken the plunge by changing my life. Each time jumping off the pier of knowns into a sea of unknowns. I managed to swim and keep afloat. Each time the unknowns became blessings and the change became permanent and comfortable.

I can only hope now that Creator/God as I know and understand Him is leading the way right now and opening the doors. As though a ship caught in a fog and being led by the foghorn I too am being led by Creator.

My life right now is changing and the demolition and passing of the old must take place before the new can encompass. I don't go about this change without trepadition but one I must go if I am to survive and I know once again I will be carried through. Carried through because I don't see my footprints in the sand right now.

Cowboy Key Largo, Fl Tuesday 12/13/05

Who would have known

Such as sands through the hourglass and ripples in time, Every once in awhile or more like once in a lifetime, twice if your'e that damn lucky somebody comes along and touches you like no other. Maybe it's a soul thing but you sure know it the second you lay eyes on the person. Maybe no words were exchanged then but expressions of the soul already were and in the complex matrix all the bullshit is completely broken down and communication well underway before many words were spoken.

Who else can put a smile on your face by the mere thought of one's name. The magic that is felt by their presence. You listen to their voice to catch every syllable and pronunciation and just to hear that voice. When the world all around seems to have gone to shit they can wrap you in security and warmth just by presence alone. Just their scent can trigger the complex network of neurological highways within that releases endorphins. Just being amongst their presence you can gather, feel and tune into their energy. Yes a true chemistry.

You suddenly realize it's okay to be you around them. They don't give a shit as they see you and accept for who you are and not what you are. The respect and admiration that comes forth is something that builds a bond of trust that cannot be broken. The same respect and admiration are unbreakable supports that keep the bridge of trust in place. It's that same chemistry that makes the composite thus holding it all together.

If someone asked you if you would lay your life down for them?? or take a bullet for whom??, do you think you would have an answer. I was asked that question once many years ago. At the time my dog was the answer I came up with. I never believed in people nor trusted them fully. I've reached a point in my life that I have finally allowed myself to trust and also reached a point where many other feelings are coming forth that one time were only dreamed and hoped while other feelings were surpressed into the deepest chasms of self. I could honestly answer now whom I would lay my life down for and whom also I'd take a bullet for even if it meant they would go on living and I would die.
I know we would catch one another again in the next phase and dimension of existence.

Nobody knows how it happens but yet it does. Right now an unspoken language but one that each others soul somehow comprehends,understands and fluently speaks. Eventually it spills out into self and into this matrix we call reality where complete manifestation takes over.

A casual and rather haphazard introduction years ago?? I think not. Only a well synchronized chain of events that has to be allowed to take course. It don't come without a price and it don't have it's ups and downs but when viewed over time it's well worth it and is perfect. One has to be patient to allow these things to play out before the final achievement and goals are reached.

Who would have known.

Redneck Rebel..

Intro

Just a simple yet complex southern, Good Ole Boy, Redneck here looking for an avenue to direct alot of life's so called "Things", "Feelings", "Thoughts" and "Ideas"

Not much of an intro needed as you will get to know me by my blogging. Much of which I have spent time writing in countless Yahoo forum posts and much of which I don't think folk really gave a shit one way or another.
Now you can follow along, save this to your favorites or whatever. The dedication of this blog to one that is important to me.

I like to ramble on, I'm a writer so what can I say. If you don't want to listen or get bored easy then don't read. Only those interested need go further.

Who knows what I'll write or who it will be about but you can be guaranteed it's goin to be bout somebody or something.

Redneck...A.K.A Cowboy 11/28/05